Living gratefully vs. telling yourself you should be happy

Telling yourself you should be happy....

...because three years ago I was in seemingly unending physical pain...not for a weekend...a year..but ceaselessly for years--and here i am sitting on my front steps listening to crickets and no pain.

...because so many people are suffering in this moment.

...because I am blessed with so many things, including the ones I care about more than my own life.

Etc. Etc.--this kind of should never produces happiness.

Yet, day by day, if I remember there is a new way, if I offer the best I can--in each moment---mostly in terms of mindfulness, willingness, a spirit of being present, of unity, in helpfulness--sometimes by smiling, sometimes by shutting up, sometimes by cleaning my bathroom floor--or taking a walk instead of looking up something useless online... these choices, and these compassionate or useful actions--no matter how I am FEELING--create a lif overall more peaceful and manageable, which in turn gives rise to moments of acceptance, peace, genuine feelings, genuine compassion, genuine friendship--

i sometimes miss the times of being run all over the place with my desires, with seeking, with the zest of acquistion, the satisfaction of controlling--but not the crashes that follow, the deep disappointments and crushing loss. Of course these still come in miniature bursts of I have to have--I can't stand this--and other strong emotions, in almost every day.

I have very little control, but I do have a choice, whereas in the grip of pain or illness or catastrophic loss and injury--it is choiceless.

For a few years now, since I decided to walk again, even a few steps at a time at first, I began to test the limits of what seemed a choiceless circumstance. Pain used to be a dealbreaker--not any more. And as I kept going in spite of pain, the pain diminished. Now I keep going--not just aimlessly,  and not with sheer willfulness, but with a new goal--and I keep going in spite of fear, dullness, anxiety, or any other negative emotion. My old goal used to be to get what I want or to avoid or annhilate what I did not want. Now it seems more about unity--with my higher power, with others, with a common goal, with my heart-- This new more conscious way feels awkward and seems to involve way too much discernment and effort at times--but when the fruits come, they are indescribably sweet--
to many, so subtle they might be overlooked. For me, something as simple as being with diverse people as equals in a circle--listening, and feeling part of--contributing sometimes solely by being present--
it is really impossible to explain, but to do this and feel at ease in body and mind, to feel useful, and part of--and not in control of the whole show--
this is the greatest joy.