Living gratefully vs. telling yourself you should be happy

Telling yourself you should be happy....

...because three years ago I was in seemingly unending physical pain...not for a weekend...a year..but ceaselessly for years--and here i am sitting on my front steps listening to crickets and no pain.

...because so many people are suffering in this moment.

...because I am blessed with so many things, including the ones I care about more than my own life.

Etc. Etc.--this kind of should never produces happiness.

Yet, day by day, if I remember there is a new way, if I offer the best I can--in each moment---mostly in terms of mindfulness, willingness, a spirit of being present, of unity, in helpfulness--sometimes by smiling, sometimes by shutting up, sometimes by cleaning my bathroom floor--or taking a walk instead of looking up something useless online... these choices, and these compassionate or useful actions--no matter how I am FEELING--create a lif overall more peaceful and manageable, which in turn gives rise to moments of acceptance, peace, genuine feelings, genuine compassion, genuine friendship--

i sometimes miss the times of being run all over the place with my desires, with seeking, with the zest of acquistion, the satisfaction of controlling--but not the crashes that follow, the deep disappointments and crushing loss. Of course these still come in miniature bursts of I have to have--I can't stand this--and other strong emotions, in almost every day.

I have very little control, but I do have a choice, whereas in the grip of pain or illness or catastrophic loss and injury--it is choiceless.

For a few years now, since I decided to walk again, even a few steps at a time at first, I began to test the limits of what seemed a choiceless circumstance. Pain used to be a dealbreaker--not any more. And as I kept going in spite of pain, the pain diminished. Now I keep going--not just aimlessly,  and not with sheer willfulness, but with a new goal--and I keep going in spite of fear, dullness, anxiety, or any other negative emotion. My old goal used to be to get what I want or to avoid or annhilate what I did not want. Now it seems more about unity--with my higher power, with others, with a common goal, with my heart-- This new more conscious way feels awkward and seems to involve way too much discernment and effort at times--but when the fruits come, they are indescribably sweet--
to many, so subtle they might be overlooked. For me, something as simple as being with diverse people as equals in a circle--listening, and feeling part of--contributing sometimes solely by being present--
it is really impossible to explain, but to do this and feel at ease in body and mind, to feel useful, and part of--and not in control of the whole show--
this is the greatest joy.

It would be great if I had a cat oh and a tiny little magical little baby wolf

These sounds today--from the new neighbor, clopping and creaking with hard shoes above my head, breaking my time of meditation and writing.

 These unwanted thoughts today, these too-strong reactions, these harsh responses within and without, these unwanted guests! I surrender. I can't block you, hide from you, figure you out, kick you out, or force myself to keep going with my plans, as all these inputs are shaking my brain and body just now. I can't keep leaving the house and seeking shelter somewhere else.

I hope you know I'm not just talking about my neighbor--these reactions, and responses, within and without--have been going on a long time. Even when I was a child---oh never mind!

The entire world, inside and out, an arrow--and no shield. What to do?
I tried reasoning with my brain to let up, to change update its system; no dice.

it would be great if i had a cat,

a cat and a true love, and a sense of safety that was unshakeable.

and a beautiful clean and private and sun -filled home where I could enjoy solitude, do good work and open my doors to visitors and offer the love and comfort and laughter—a place where we could all be our true selves without judgement.

What a beautiful and true wish I have...for this, and to write scenes like this.

This  book I have been writing--perhaps a novella, perhaps a spiritual memoir, perhaps a mediations on recovery, perhaps penance--this is where I keep putting my intention and my action, daily. 

Once finished, i can abandon the entire past and keep moving on, only writing loving and true wishes and scenes like this, offering my house, enjoying living in my house—living each day just like this, and at last loving my family as I wish to love them, and being in love with the entire world.

Is this to much to ask?

My brain is quiet, and the cat says go ahead and adopt me.

The tiny, tiny, cute baby wolf and

this puppy

say: maybe next summer when things calm down.

Hayao Miyazaki Studio Ghibli's  THE CAT RETURNS